for my roomate, aini

(Unedited post….)

Just for my roommate and friend who is hurt right now, from far away in Shah Alam to Puncak Alam…

Aini…

I

AM

SO

SORRY

FOR

RUNNING

AWAY

TODAY

BECAUSE

I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Meeting my mom for just a brief seconds yesterday really breaks my heart, knowing that moment is the only time I can meet my mom, and amer, for this month. CNY break, and mid-sem break, I might not be able to come back to Terengganu, need to stay in Shah Alam since all of them will go to Kedah and mom said, you don’t need to come back to Terengganu. So no chance to meet them again. 2 weeks ago, I cant meet them because of BSMM, so I waited so eagerly for this weekend, but suddenly, knowing that a meeting need to be held on this day, I felt pain. But I just got along with it, since I know that I can still come back home but yesterday, in that meeting less than a minute, my sis said that she will be busy, couldn’t pick me up, and couldn’t sent me either on Sunday. So I don’t need to come home. And my mom also said the same thing. i don’t know why I’m so emotional that time, but to be able to see her face for a short time, kiss her cheeks for one time only, and shake amer hands once, they gave me the keropok lekor, have a short talk, why cant I come home today (yesterday), cant pick me up on Saturday, and need to rush home, and suddenly bye, bye, waves. No hugs, no kiss. My mom didn’t even get out from the car. Maybe I’m too emotional, ,maybe because I’m stressed, maybe because I have always tried to put my best front in front of people, saying I don’t mind, and I really wanted to believe it, but I guess reality, truth hurts a lot when it came crashing on you. Say things like I wont missed my mom that much, seems to be a total lie. Seeing her that short time, cant help me with my lies, my cheap lies that I really want to believe. Remember when I said that truth hurts? It’s true. Let me just tell you, that I have a total breakdown after that.

I REALLY WANT TO MEET MY MOM and amer…

Actually, I didn’t want to come home, but after a very long distressing time, lots of sensitive time, lots of tears, I finally managed to call out the courage to …as wawa, and I want to say it, run away from home. I think you notice. It doesn’t take a blind man/woman/in your case, young lady, to see that I avoided you like plague yesterday and this morning, after I met my mom yesterday. I stayed up late and long in the house next door, in the room next door, and even took a second bath last night. Because I don’t think I can see your face. Not because I hate you, but because I just cant help feeling hurt not able to meet my mom this weekend, and you somehow involve. I don’t blame you. I never blame you. I just cant see you. each time I saw you, I keep thinking about the meeting, and the meeting equal to me not able to see my mom again. I think I got some serious depression session yesterday. Trust me, you don’t want to know. I think.

Well, this is getting very long, and I just want to write a short apology post, but well I think my feeling get the best of me. I have plenty of things to write/type here, but I guess I stop. In short, conclusion, I just want to apologize. For everything. Please forgive me. You a good friend, a very good roommate, a good leader, and I really hope you can be forgiving to me again, for hurting your feelings again this past days.

I don’t mind working with BSMM. It gave me joy and sorrow, but that what make it more precious and money cant but experience. I met new people, and god knows how low my social skill/level is. I don’t think I can get involves in this kind of experience again in the future. But if I just bring the society down or slowed, and you want me to take actions, just tell me. I don’t want to cause problems to everyone involved.

I believe that if I dare to take an action, I should be brave to take the consequences. When the time comes for me to make a choice, I will make my own decision even if it will hurt someone else but believe me, I didn’t do it on purpose or because I want it to, it’s because I think that if you live your life suffering, forever trying to please everyone else, till when? Sometimes, you need to think of yourselves. Because the people you trying to
please, may not be thinking about you at all.

A very long apology and explanations (parts of it) post to my dear roommate, Aini.

Hope she can understand.